Jokes

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the same questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

A "Mallu" female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN." Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her "If You could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK." The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said:
"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone,I say YELLOW.....
BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number.. ... Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, yokeeyy? Thank you." The Manager fainted...

 

In a party one of Zail Singh's friends asked him how many chappathis he could eat in an empty stomach. Zail replied "Seven". Then his friend told him "When U eat the first chappathi your stomach is no longer empty .Then how can U eat seven ??". Zail was impressed by this tricky question. So as soon as he went back home he asked his wife " How many chappathis can you eat in an empty stomach ??".
She replied "Five". Then Zail told " Shit!! If only you had told seven I had a nice reply for it"

 

There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baarat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?" ...... Comes the reply, "Ha ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai !!!!

 

When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities
she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed.
After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.

 

One day a father called his 6 children together and asked,
"Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mother asked?"
In one voice they all replied, "You, Daddy!"

 

A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.
One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine?"
"Yes, dear," replied the wife, "but the other two are not."

 

A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs.
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"

 

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who illed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview?" Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder."

 

Santa and Banta Singh were bitter enemies. Santa lived on the 1st and Banta on the 7th floor of the same building. One day the lift was out of order and Banta Singh decided to play a trick on Santa and called him for dinner to his house at 7:30 pm. So Santa huffing and puffing manages to reach the 7th floor. To his dismay he finds a big lock on the door and a message
'HA HA ULLU BANA DIA!'
Santa is angry but thinks a lot and finally writes his reply below Banta's message
'MAIN TO YAHAN AAYA HI NAHIN THA!!'

 

There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." The Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play ground".Signed, "A Sardarji". The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji ?!"

 

An American, an Italian and a Surd were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building... They were eating lunch and the American said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Surd opened his lunch and said, "Paratha and dal again. If I get paratha and daal one more time I'm jumping too." Next day - The American opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps. The Surd opens his lunch, sees paratha and daal and jumps to his death also...At the funeral..... The American's wife is weeping...She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef & cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Italian's wife also weeps and says " I could have given him pizza or lasagna! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Surd's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

 

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll
hold your monkey for you."

 

A mother and her young son were flying British Airways from London to
Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't
think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?". The
boy said that she had.
With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's
because British Airways always pulls out on time."

 

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
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TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am." > ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER:Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before
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MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.
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TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.
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TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another,how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm
down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence,
then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

Bathroom Etiquette
In the men's room, an accountant, a lawyer and a farmer were standing side by side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he held about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught
us to be sanitary."
The lawyer finished, zipped up, went to the sink and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from UC Berkeley and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The farmer zipped up and as he was walking directly out the door said, "I graduated from WVU and they taught us not to piss on our fingers"

 

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hair white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hair are white?"

 

Sardarji happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients
viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
Sardarji's turn came after many attempts by others. Sardarji gave a story, which was just one sentence and read :
"Oh God, my wife is going to deliver a child".
Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked the sardarji whether it contained all the four ingredients !!
Sardarji replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:
Oh God : religion
my wife: sex
going to deliver a child : suspense (whether a girl or a boy)
"Okay.... but where is the mystery ?" asked one of the organizers.
The sardar replied : who is the father ??
Sardarji was declared the winner for writing the shortest story !

 

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the Examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails.Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperatley throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator,alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half an hour". "But yaar", he says, " I am rechecking my answers."

 

One day Santa Singh goes to a bank for cash withdrawal.
The cashier is a Gujarati lady with a typical Gujarati accent.
When Santa's token No. is announced, he goes to the cash counter.
The lady cashier asks him in hindi, "Mr. Singh, so so ke loge?"
Santa replies, "Khade Khade bhi chalega!"