Funny Stuff

Excellent Quotes ...

 

If opportunity does not knock then build a door...........but dont ever give up.

It is easy to gather momentum when ur going downhill and equally difficult when going uphill.

Obstacles are placed across our life, not to be boggled at, but to be surmounted.

Necessity is the mother of invention.

THINK BIG becoz.........Low aim is CRIME.

Spend each moment perfecting the next, not correcting the last.

Climb the ladder........but remember it is really really lonely at the top.

 

Funny 1 Liners

• When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

• Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.

• Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'

• I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

• Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

• I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served.

• The road to success is always under construction.

• I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!

• Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

• Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time.

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• Born free; Taxed to death.

• Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't have film.

• Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

• Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.

• I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

• A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

• The hardest part of skating is the ice.

• The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented the other three,
he was the genius.

• The trouble with being punc tual is that there's no one there to appreciate it.

• If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?

• If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.

• Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!

• If you can't convince them, confuse them.

• It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers)

• Someday is not a day of the week

 

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She's a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections


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